Location: Cheshire, Connecticut, United States

devilishly handsome, screamingly funny, overly modest

Sunday, March 05, 2006

What "Weaker" Sex?

When I was a fledgling young American male I bought wholeheartedly into the female-propagated myth that somehow women, those "delicate flowers" of humankind, were in some unexplained way the "weaker" sex. As a teenager I (very politely) opened their doors, handed them out of cars, carried books, picked up whatever was dropped, and in general escorted them throu life like a tugboat guiding a liner into a harbor. I did this because (1) my grandmother told me to and (2) I thought somehow I'd be rewarded with sexual favors (I WAS a teenager, remember). I had an experience, however, that disabused me of the fictitious concept of female frailty, which I will now painfully share.

I was 17, driving along with very little on my mind (I do that a lot) when I saw an attractive young girl in a convertible pulled over to the side of the road. This was a great situation, my fantasy went, I'd save the fair damsel and with any luck she'd reward me with the afore-mentioned sexual favors. I pulled in several feet behind her car and watched her open her trunk. To my great surprise, this 115 pound bit of fluff effortlessly picked up her huge spare tire with one hand and lifted it up in the air and onto the ground next to her car. She just as easily snatched up an oversized jack and with the same "frail" one hand reached down and set it up under the car.

Then she noticed me standing there, and an amazing transformation took place. She suddenly became the picture of helplessness. The tire, which she had previously blithely moved with one hand, could now not be budged with with both hands and with all her weight behind the effort.

"Sir," she said coyly, "Could you please help me? I've never changed a tire before." As I remember, she didn't actually bat her eyes, but it was close.

And, just like that, I got it. Female frailty was not a myth, it was a CONSPIRACY with we males totally involved, and I was about to enter into it. I looked at her long legs (cut-offs, don't you just love 'em) and her well-filled T-shirt, and said, "Of course I'll help. Let me just get this (oof) tire. Don't want you to get your pretty self all sweaty and dirty."

That damn tire must have weighed 60 pounds, I got grease all over me, and of course I never came close to getting favors, sexual or otherwise, from the sweet young thing.(Good samaritans rarely get laid). I did, however, learn a very valuable lesson about the strength of a woman. So when my wife asks me to open a peanut jar, or move the couch, or carry in the groceries, I don't ever hesitate. I know that she and the rest of the alien species with whom we males share this planet has more power (of all kinds) in her pinkie than I do in my whole body. I've never tested it, but I'll bet that any one of them could pound me into smithereens. Every once in a while, they let their guard slip and I get a small glimpse of their awesome force.

But I'm going to continue the conspiracy-you know why?...... because sometimes you could get sexual favors.



Blogger Nile said...

Bill, you never cease to amaze. I'm glad you've kept blogging.

6:54 PM  
Anonymous blue girl said...

Hi Papa Bill, It's *the dance* for sure.

You guys get ripped off, I must say. While I'm sure I have what it takes to change a tire, I don't wanna. Why you guys got stuck havin' to do stuff like that -- well, who knows.

It IS funny to me though that *your kind* thinks you're going to get some sort of *reward* for it...


6:21 AM  
Anonymous blue girl said...

Hey Papa Bill, you ok out there?


5:16 AM  

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