Location: Cheshire, Connecticut, United States

devilishly handsome, screamingly funny, overly modest

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The Art of Ogling

Many years ago, in a society far, far away from the present, the 4 Lads (or maybe the 4 Aces}made a record (remember those) titled "Standing on the Corner". This musical manifesto extolled the pure, unadulterated joy that men get from the simple observation of females passing through their range of vision. If done properly , this notice will put a spring in the step of said females, or at least evoke a secretive smile. If done incorrectly, this act (sometimes called "ogling") may have unfortunate results, such as a nasty remark, a sneer, or (worst case) a physical reaction such as (gasp) a slap.

Thus ogling may be elevated to an art form under proper circumstances. This takes many years of diligent practice and attention, which yours truly has gladly endured in order to share these artistic principles with you here.

You must remember at all times that there is a very subtle difference between an interested complimentary glance and an obnoxious stare. You can accomplish the former by keeping your mind-set in affectionate and pleasant mode, not set in prurient thought (plenty of time for that later, in your fond memories). Also, and this is the most difficult thing for the neophyte ogler, you must NEVER mentally undress a lady when ogling her. Control is nearly impossible when you do this, and hardly ever goes unnoticed by the oglee., then the afore-mentioned slap is an inevitability.

Ogling in crowded areas yields the best results (crowded with WOMEN, you idiot). I personally find that the more beatiful women I see in a day, the happier I am. I also find that the more I look, the more beautiful they appear. Obviously, the more women, the more ogling targets, and the better chance to perfect your technique I strongly recommend the following sequence: (1) gain eye contact, (2) smile (NOT with intent- amicably, but not quite innocently), (3) hold eye contact a brief, significant moment, (4) glance reluctantly away. This last is important, because to glance away too quickly could be construed as uncomplimentary by the oglee.

You can tell that your ogling is a success if the oglee has these reactions, (1)giggles, (2) a blatant stare back, (3)slipping you her phone number, (4) an "accidental" brush as she passes, (5)a pleased smile. If you receive any or all of these responses, contact me and I'll send you instructions explaining how to proceed to the next level.

You have sucessfully passed the reading portion of this lesson. Be very careful, however, in applying your new knowledge in practice. I, myself, as a tenth level ogler, usually wear an eye patch to cut my glance intensity in half. Otherwise, women have been known to start removing clothing at twenty-foot distances. For this reason' I've been banned from a half-dozen formerly reputable Hartford restaurants. Ogling is not a toy, and must be used carefully, and only by mature adults. This warning is mandated by the AOA. (the O is for Ogler's, dummy)

Thanks for wasting your evening here.



Blogger coturnix said...

Ha! You are a tenth level ogler, too? Nice to know there are more of us out there....

8:22 PM  
Anonymous blue girl said...

No, no, no eye patch for the successful Ogler. Nope, you've decreased your success rate with that.

A first rate Ogler would wear being banned from any establishment like a badge of honor.

Embrace your power! And ditch the eye patch.

6:01 AM  
Blogger Brett said...

Should any of those things happen, I will get in touch with you immediately. I have no idea how to proceed from there.

8:27 AM  

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