Location: Cheshire, Connecticut, United States

devilishly handsome, screamingly funny, overly modest

Friday, January 20, 2006

Fidelity, The Chief Cause of Divorce

Last night at the Tap, four of us got into a discussion about sex (how surprising). This conversation started as a comment on the ease with which I had gotten onto the topic with two girls at the bar earlier in a failed attempt to fix my friend Brett up for a one-nighter. Either girl, I think, would have entertained the idea, but Brett got side-tracked wandering off on some Puritanical rant which sunk the boat before it left the harbor. ( Nobody there cared if he respected himself in the morning). Even he admits he talks too much on occasion, and this was definitely one of those occasions.

By the way, Elin, who joined us later, offered the opinion that strange women are willing to engage in remarkably intimate and revelatory conversations with me because I'm non-threatening as a potential sexual target. If so, I'm willing to wear that brand of sheep's clothing as long as it keeps working.

Meanwhile, back to our sex discussion, which somehow turned to the subject of sexual fidelity, in or out of marriage. I pointed out that countless surveys show that between 75% and 85% of men, and 65% to 75% of women, haved engaged in sexual activity outside of their marriage, which many claim has led to ridiclously high current divorce rate.

It is my contention that infidelity doesn't cause divorce, but rather the unreasonable expectation of a monogamous ideal in a species which has clearly demonstrated no ability to live up to it. Robert Heinlein wrote some great sci-fi depicting utopian societies without the marital stresses that the monogamous ideal imposes. The expectation of fidelity leads to jealousy, possessiveness, suspicion and eventually betrayal. As an accepted practice, infidelity would lose a lot of it's forbidden allure. It's similar to legalizing marijuana, taking away the illicit nature of the transaction makes it easier on all concerned, and might even lessen the occurance by making it not so daringly attractive.

Before you accuse me of being a self-serving lecher, let me simply confess to it. I admired Clinton's creative response to his accusers that BJs don't count as sex, ergo he wasn't unfaithful. He was a great president in my opinion, but unfortunately even he couldn't sell that one. Just think of the wonderful sense of freedom we'd have if NOTHING sexual counted. Then we'd have to feel guilt about more important things, like not treating our spouses and partners with the kindness and consideration they deserve. Watch what would happen to the divorce rate in THAT kind of society.

It might also lighten the stranglehold organized religion (which uses control of sexual instincts as a rigid keystone) holds on our lives, and we could stop killing people in it's name. Make love, and lots of it, not war. Gee, that sounds familiar.



Blogger coturnix said...

Bill, I think you need go over to my blog and read the posts in the Category "Sex, Gender and Marriage". I think we would agree on almost everything.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Brett said...

I do talk too much, and often out of sex, but I genuinely feel what I was saying. Plus, I don't think that I had much of a chance anyways, with our two beautiful female friends showing up for dinner with us. It was more fun that way anyways.

8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm. Heinlein also advocated sex with mommy and/or twin female clones of oneself as long as there was no fear of offspring...

11:53 AM  
Anonymous blue girl said...

Interesting theory, Papa Bill. I bet the human race will never get there.


I wrote a post to you/about you over at my place.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Nile said...

As always, I enjoyed the conversation. I admire your forthright style and your honesty at the same time that I am somewhat taken aback. Perhaps if we could all be as open and honest as you, it would be a different world -- maybe not better, maybe not worse, but certainly different.

4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Papa Bill - you clearly dither and dather here and there - at least in your fantasies. You get away with much! Dallying around is not necessary when two respect each other to keep the homefires burning and you don't skimp on the s'mores!

8:17 AM  
Blogger Gothamimage said...

Intersting contrarian take on things.

1:27 PM  
Anonymous colleen said...

Many in Europe were laughing at us at being so hung-up on Clinton's sexcapades. In their view, it made him all the more virile and powerful.

I agree with most everything you said...except the rate of infidelity seems inflated. Maybe in Hollywood!

6:35 AM  
Anonymous the screamin' memey said...

Hey Bill--The chat at the Tap was very enlightening. I had a great time and I must agree infidelity does not cause divorce. I also believe that if more of us were as open and forthcoming (even though sometimes I'm told--and you probably are too--that more information than was necessary was given)I find it a freeing experience. Who needs those skeletons in one's closet, anyway? Not me. I'm off to read the other blogs re: your rant.

6:51 AM  
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Parental and peer influences play a major part in moulding our level of self-esteem when we are children and in our early years of adolescence. The opinions of the people closest to us and how they reacted to us as individuals or part of the group was a dominant factor in the processes involved in forming our self esteem.
As adults we tend to perpetuate these beliefs about ourselves and in the vast majority of cases they are ridiculously erroneous. It is time to re-evaluate our opinion of ourselves and come to some new conclusions about these old belief patterns.
Ask yourself some serious question:
Is your long-held view about yourself accurate? Do we respect the sources from which we derived these beliefs? Most of the negative feedback we bought into as we were growing up actually came from people we have little or no respect for and as adults we would probably laugh their comments away! Yet the damage to your self esteem was done when you were very young and you still carry it with you to this day.
Is it possible that even those people you respected, who influenced your self-worth, were wrong? Perhaps they had low self esteem also.
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Setting small goals and achieving them will greatly boost your self-esteem. Identify your real weakness and strengths and begin a training program to better your inter-personal or professional skills. This will support you in your future big life goals and boost your self-esteem and self confidence to high levels you didn't existed!
Learn to recognise what makes you feel good about yourself and do more of it. Everyone has certain things that they do which makes them feel worthwhile but people with low self esteem tend to belittle these feelings or ignore them.
Take inventory of all the things that you have already accomplished in your life no matter how small they may seem. Recognise that you have made achievements in your life and remember all the positive things that you have done for yourself and others. Take a note of your failures and don't make excuses like "I'm just not good enough" or "I just knew that would happen to me", analyse the situation and prepare yourself better for the next time. If someone else created success, regardless of the obstacles, then you are capable of doing the same! Remember everyone has different strengths and weakness so do not judge your own performance against that of another just use them as inspiration and know that what one human being has achieved so can another!
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Breath deeply and slow down. Don't rush to do things.
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